So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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