if only i could text you this smell
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
