All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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