I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
