hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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