I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
