She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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