I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
