take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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