she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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