Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
