You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
