Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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