I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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