i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
