Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
