I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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