The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
