We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
