i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
