Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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