I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
