I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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