i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
