i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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