her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
4 words: hood of his car
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
