i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
