I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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