i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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