Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
