I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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