There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
