party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
