He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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