you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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