put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
no, he came in my armpit
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
