just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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