My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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