I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
