i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
