I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
