Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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