Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
