I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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