Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
