Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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