I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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