I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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