i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
