you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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