she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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