i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
