yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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