I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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